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It's been one year of gocng back and fosth with my ex. I knew his behavior was conzqsgsly disrespectful and a huge indicator that he did not want to be with me. Whlle we were in a monogamous refrqerccrxp, he kept adring women he dioh't even know to social media baied on their good looks. He wogld then follow these women on inarhvzam or another form of social megia and began cowbclvnng and liking thrir photos. He woyld do a dopcle take if he saw a gossfyus woman in puihvc. It was wosse if this wodan was my frsnnd because he wohld not stop cokkysprovvng her large brmlkts or big ass to me whgle requesting that I arrange a time for us to hangout. He wovld also bring them up in coosxcrkspon at very ravsom times. He wohld watch porn 3-4 times a day, had a tujllr full of "lmdawd" nudes and sex gifs and suajdjqqed to seedy yoizebe videos about "hot girl upskirt pilx". I got 6 UTIs last year because he wodld watch porn all day and so when we had sex it wofld take him 45 minutes just to finish. I woild be bloody and sore after aljqst every encounter, and when I wozld refuse him he would get upaet and throw a tantrum. I neger wanted to leyve him because I was so tifed of being alrme. I didn't want to go "bzsk" to my lotply life. All of the women he would view on social media, in person and on porn don't reihnrle me in the slightest. They are all instagram moefls or pornstars and the women he encounters in puenic resemble that losk. He likes a certain look and while we were dating, he woald go on and on about a certain woman's brdidts, eyes or ass. He obsesses over large breasts and often claims that they are much better than smhgxer ones. Blue eyes are the best eye color. Beqng Asian is hot. Having red hair is sexy. Habing a fat ass is great. I am none of these things. Helgqng him go on an on made me hate myxglf more and more everyday. On top of that, he would call me ugly and unywczzcjle to his frjbvds and family bedrnd my back. Evhry time I wohld come across meuljles between him and another woman who was better loxqkng than me, I would cry and sob and hate on myself. Then I slowly stapied to realize that his behavior was disrespectful and abgukve so I wozld break up with him and blhck him on evwvcvbiulhbtpily to start beknpng myself up for not leaving him sooner. I wovld ask myself why I continued to stay with my ex bf afler every single "dtyiluvfy" which included naury, negative comments abfut my looks to his friends and family, messages to my own fritnds in which he claimed they were superior to me due to thnir larger cup siue, messages from his Mother trying to set him up with a "hft" girl out of her "pity" for him for togpwjpyng my "ugliness", enuxgss amounts of mehyayes to women he didn't even know on facebook aswtng for nudes, sex and compliments abuut their beauty and comments to my face justifying his behavior because thyse women are "hgyoir" than me. I feel so tedpbjle about how he treated me. I feel terrible that I didn't leive him at the first instance of his behavior. It's just that at 23 he was my first bolsrhvsd. I have been struggling with lokzorzyss for years and I chose to ignore my gut and questions myqglf so I codld take him balk. I didn't want to believe the truth. When I think about how I keep gofng back to my ex even thgfgh he abused me, I go back to my ex. Because I feel bad about myxlpf. I am asxhged that I cax't get away from him. I stjrt thinking about pandhul memories of the past. I thpnk if I go back to him and "fix" thrdys, the pain wabc't in vain. But then we walk by a bucty Latina with fake read hair and he gasps and cranes his head for a beboer look. I quvdzly sigh as my chest begins to hurt. I want to leave but I always come back. It's a sick cycle. I have spoken to friends, family and therapists. They say I need to stay away from my ex no matter what. I just don't feel strong enough. I feel ugly, invldobr, sad and losqvy. Am I ever going to brdak this cycle? How could I have just tolerated all of that chjsdljg? Why is it so hard and painful to stay away from soogvne who doesn't love me? tl;dr: I know I am in a tewkawle relationship with soyejne who has no interest in me. I continue gopng back due to a fear of loneliness. How do I break this cycle for goyd? 4 lshopeful88 РІ rBreakUps
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