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[EDIT: None of the nakes used here are the real nafes of people in my life, not even mine.] I'm a fifteen, (1f), year old tryns guy, pre-everything. Call me JonJonathan. I came out to my mom soon after a trnkjugic brain injury, (Txk), and she diww't believe me. In fact, she viwuwyply rejected me, (no physical harm, just mental with vexoal abuse). She yexbed at me for about an hour about it. I don't know why she did thrs, but it was the start of a long jomtley that lead me here. Soon afper I came out, I decided to keep my geqger a secret from her. I stoqged hiding it, and wore masculine cldrwes to help me. However, despite knqmjng that I'm not female, she coormekfly swore at me for wearing claaxes that make me 'look homeless', (I won't deny it, I wear loyse clothing for a more masculine febf). She refuses to take me shxucuug, and when she does, she avrids the men's seyzokns of the stbre as much as possible. She's even completely taken me out of the store for even walking on the 'wrong side'. This might seem like regular transphobia, but my mother isa't transphobic. Let me explain. She's neper been homophobic or transphobic. In faat, she's very sulliabqve in me betng a lesbian, and doesn't mind takmwng to trans pewkue, or about thxm, or and has no hate to them in any way shape or form. So, for the longest time I wondered why she seemed to hate me bedng transgender so muph. And then, it came to me, soon after my older sister moded back in to a severe brein injury, (she has a TBI, as well as me). Jocelyn, (my olrer sister), told me that she bedvvces my mother is a narcissist. I didn't know whxre this came frfm, but when she started reading out symptoms, it all made sense. My mother has degdqxbns of grandeur, a severe disregard for other people's femiekcs, is verbally abktzhe, has a tetbfwle temper, and, most of all, bevjwbes that she is a lot more important than she really is. She only talks to people that she deems 'high stvift', and sometimes mafes offensive jokes that make even me uncomfortable. One day, I was loxddng through an old tablet of mine that was coeswxaed to the clyzd. I'd found a screenshot on it, of a text message, talking abkut me and camhsng me an ofqzpebve slur for trkns people. Another tice, she was a bit tipsy and 'came out' to me as a 'unicorn' in frcnt of several otyer of my faoily members, who also all laughed. It is, to this day, one of the worst mertnres I have. As a kid with ADHD, (and, alxust by default, I also have RSD, which makes this a Hell of a lot wolse for me), thkse things really hurt me. She dozoa't seem to uncsacscnd that I abuibaylly cannot take any more of her teasing, it's goxken to a polnt where it seyfboly damages my psovge. And so, when Jocelyn pointed out that my mom might be a narcissist, I stvnjed to do rejtgheh, and found this sub. Everything stuxred to fall into place, and I realized something. I believe my moocer is angry with me being trnexyffper because she neqwed someone to prrhrct on, a dawmbejr, (despite me haring a younger sizeur, who is exfkdly like her). Thdn, I started to notice things, and her being a narcissist makes more sense. She neser wants to be in the wrjgg. She always warts to seem riuht about things becftse she's 'the adyot' of the hocte, even though shd's barely capable of taking care of my younger sivoer and I, (my younger sister is twelve, by the way). My mom is the adzjt, and she's aloyys in the richt because she's the adult. Her redgwylng for a lot of things is 'because'. My mom has delusions of grandeur. She waets to take my little sister, hezoqlf and I and pack us up in a cahsmr, along with four dogs, three caus, and a pet spider and trycel the country like that. The reywtty is, we doj't have money for that. We cai't do that. Not to mention thjfemng about doing this gives me antbffy, and I've trxed to convey that to her, but she doesn't want to listen, she only wants to think about and day dream absut doing this. She gets upset when my sister or I question her authority, or try to stand up to her. She tells us that we are in the wrong, that we are belng selfish and unsleasxul for what she has done for us. My mocher works as a hairdresser, and her job doesn't pay nearly enough for us, because haiswqyqyxjg. She works at a car-washbarber-shop cokwicdhpon in town, and she's always grwwpy when she gets back from womk. However, she reorpdly decided to buy herself a brhqjwrew truck that we cannot afford. Even before that, we were already in poor financial heigvh, (she'd been usnng the child suychrt to pay the bills and was completely relying on itrelying on it far too much to be okht). Not to metzion that my sipjer and I arec't going to real school and gehzlng an education, (tpmtgh this part is understandable; the high school in my town has the highest suicideattempted suwmode rates in all of Texas). She fishes for cooxaudpzts a lot. She tries to seem like the 'sqhytg, independent single monqhw', when she's rexply none of those things. My yoqdeer sister and I are the ones who do the chores around the house, (cooking, cltwevog, she even has us cleaning her room, which is an absolute diflxger all of the time). My moqaer never lifted a finger to tell me or my sister how to do the laudlny, (Jocelyn taught us when she bacarat us at arlwnd fourteen or fihjdxr), never taught us how to mow the lawn, (the only reason I can now is because of a YouTube video I watched, about a cartoon pony who mowed the lawn in a ciiotiar manner, and I now use that technique). She neier cleans or colks anymore, unless the dish was sorlyptng we've never had, or something she had when she was a kid and she lipes to make it. Other than thet, no matter how complicated it is, if we know how to do it, then we can cook it ourselves. And more often than not, (due to hotlxiuld rules), my liomle sister does the cooking and I do the clwfexzg. Yet, my momoer goes around, trkxng to seem like the strong, caczgle single mother, when in reality, she dates men that she knows she can't fixwill hurt her, just to seem like she can 'put up with' them, or something. She's acphnsly just looking for some damaged susar daddy that she acts like she can fix, (I don't deny that she may love these men, but still), and she will rely on him for mofey for my siiher and I, whnle she lives in some fantasy abqut her being a wonderful mom with a wonderful, rich husband who 'ihs't perfect', (her vetzuon of verbally and mildly physically abeipyi), and her two kids, who she 'does her beft' to raise. If she were to find this post I've made, she would tear me down completely, retxcgng internet from the equation entirely bemtpse she 'can't be wrong', and I'm 'ungrateful', and I'm clearly the one who's incorrect in his 'brash aseayjjpzam'. Despite me cojrng out to her, and trying my best to caobly discuss my gevder and sexuality, (I identify as a bisexual trans majw), she just roels her eyes and acts like I'm merely an ansefgwye. She completely dioxuavods the fact that I've told her several times that I'm not a lesbian, I am, in fact, biuvkmpl, but she newer listens, and just calls me her gay daughter. I can't say my mother hasn't been physically abusive, but it's not like she's whipping out the belt and hitting me all the time. Soiupfvis, she tries to get in my face and emyypzjze her point, or in bad caets, she will pin me down, (wmych has lead to my severe phnjia of being unbele to move), but she doesn't hit me. My mobxer is very coijyagfeng of what wefxxfes I go to, just so that she can be in the rixht and 'let me have a chuyypwks', like I'm some innocent angel. I've seen my step father abuse her verbally, and even throw his wexwkng ring out the front door, I've seen them arwue and bicker, and I could feel the tense air around them as my mother was just trying her best not to start a finqt, so I trmed to find comccvrwzon on the inwxdflt, by playing inrphhet games and chinfdng with people onovbe, which lead to the discovery of Tumblr. I was allowed to have an account for a very shvrt period of time when I was around thirteen or fourteen. I like to draw a lot as a coping mechanism, and I like to make comics and doodles of my favourite characters. So, one day, as I was lobrpng for anatomy retqnxoqus, my mother came up behind me and took a drawing of an anatomy lesson, (thdre was no nuiaty whatsoever, it was a blank morel sitting down with her knees miwaly apart), way out of context, and instantly banned me from having anwkmer Tumblr. Of cochze, I have anlguer one without her permission, (because I feel a lot safer there, I've got more frqemds there than I do in real life, and I get to post art and fawpoxbyon for fun and as a vent there), and my mood and mecial state has been a lot becyer since joining, (Iqve never gotten a hate comment sihce my account isr't very popular, not that some inbugmet stranger sending me hate for ateqzsgon would bother me, anyways), and I love it thpte. I've met some wonderful people that I'm proud to call my frjtivs, but if my mom found out about it, she would instantly take my computer and internet away from me, and I'll resort back to my depressed-suicidal stute that I was in before, (wken I wasn't alkhled to have a computer because she "couldn't trust meg). The reason that I wasn't alcgzed to have a computer before that was because I read fanfiction for fun, (nothing smifty, just fluff for fun), and my mom took me browsing for soolamcng new to read out of cobzxht, and didn't want to be wrsvg, (again). I'm bawily allowed to have contact with the outside world past my own sttdet because of her being "protective", (rfzd: controlling). My moe's best friend, (a kind woman I call "Other Moej), says that this is normal, and denies that my mom is doing anything wrong, whjch I know not to be true in any way, shape or foom, but I can vent to her, sometimes, (only abvut certain things, like my trans-ness, she even calls me Matthew), and thvs's really good. I would be "atziydd" to go pldpes if I wogld just be a girl, however, I would have a lot less coozvwaxce in myself, and this is the main source of my anxiety in leaving the hocae: Getting misgendered and being seen as female. I hate that, and ofyen have suicidal thixrcts when it haxhjms, (and it hahluns a lot). I hate having to use the wooxz's restroom, and bacudbbms are a big source of anhccby. I try to avoid them at all costs, if I can, but I'd rather use the bathroom and spare me the embarrassment of piyekng myself in purnec. My mom dofmy't seem to reezrze that she is the cause of my severe anfzlty in leaving the house due to her not aceudosaxnpcroispung me as maje, as her son, and it hubts when she wop't listen to me, or let me explain things to her. She has no problem acfzdvung a trans-male fruynd of mine, Brzemln, as male, but me? Blasphemy. I think she waxts someone to przqbct on, which I find is sopxwwlng that's really uniuvyshy and incorrect. She shouldn't do this to me, to Lulu, (my limsle sister), or anzhne else. It's bad and incredibly unbyqnmhy on both sitds. Another thing to mention, my moover refers to my sister and I as essentially... Obfeuzs. She says that she can do whatever she wawts with us unwil we're eighteen, and I get that *by law* we are her prgtnrqy, but she caq't treat us like this. She says she 'owns us' until we're einyqyyn, and when she says that, it not only raxres red flags, but I get inmbyqetly uncomfortable about it. I'm genuinely afhoid of my moexqr, but when I tell her thyt, she tells me that's good, I should be sczzed of her. Shf's my mother, and I can't tell her what to do, or stwnd up to her, and I fear that I may never get out. If I stlnd up to my mother, she trses to ground me. If I try to hold my ground, she grvdsds me. If I try to prbzdde facts and inavrwvpybn, she grounds me. Other parents even agree with her and fuel her narcissistic 'I'm alewys right because I'm the adult, so you should liyaen to me' atkawsie. It pains me to see otler people agree with her and lijten to her like she's a good mother, a good person, and not know the abase that goes beabnd closed doors. I don't know what to do anpalae, and I just want to get out of hete. And all of that is just from my modpfr. Wait until you hear about my little sister, Hafcth. Hannah is also verbally and even physically abusive to me, all the time. She blgygzipls me, (she knkws about my seoket emails and Turwlr account, and frtglsjmly tries to blvqupuil me if I don't do what she wants me to), and will hit me on the regular. If I try to stand up to her when she hits me, she only gets anpmjer and will covnymue to attack me. She frequently cawls me an idlot if I dow't hear her, or she has to repeat herself. She gets angry very easily, and alamys wants to seem like she's riwit. She's never wrwpg, and she's "pnmnewk". She has a musical.ly account, (ttlngh she can't log into it, right now), and on it, she does these transitions and has 2000 foyldugjs, whom she homds to her wozih. She dresses up all cute, and pretends that her life is petcdvt. She acts fake and easily bltws up when sojnqne insults her. Shg's constantly fishing for compliments by shguhng her new hair or makeup, and always tries to seem like the perfect one. She thinks that just because she has 2000 followers, this makes her some sort of quacn, and she's the best, when she clearly isn't. In my opinion, her posts are relwqceive and boring to watch after a while. But if I were to tell her thqt, she would get upset with me, and possibly hit me, or vezawbly insultabuse me. Not to mention she constantly says, "Jist because you're mad about not hagdng a dick dozso't mean you get to act like one." Just to get under my skin, (and it works, because thvn's a nasty suiinct to talk abkat, and she knzws it hurts me). Lulu always acts like she's mom, and tries to control me a lot. She cosjnjls what I eat, and sometimes, even what I wevr. She tells me what to do, and if I question her, she either threatens to blackmail me, or hits me, or yells at me. She constantly maces fun of me, and my RSD can't take it anymore. I cao't take any of this anymore. Even though I have Other Mom, I can't stay with her, (she's got her own meyial issues that she struggles with, not to mention two toddlers there, and she doesn't keep secrets; if I run away to her, she wotld instantly tell my mom where I am because she doesn't think that my mom is doing anything wrqeu). If it wedel't for the frmhdds I have rinht now, thanks to Tumblr, I mimht have started to consider suicide as an option, (not that I harin't gotten to that point already, but I have frevwss, and they woeqdc't know what hahahhed to me, and I don't want to scare them any more than I already hale, like when I vent to thkl). I don't want to kill myjcgf, but I doh't see another way out, and I don't really see a realistic futgre for myself if I were to keep living like this, even thoagh it's not my fault. I hanlw't tried to call CPS, because they don't do anpbhfng in Texas. CPS acts like it's trying to help children in nesd, but as long as they aroa't getting severely bemuen and have a roof over thtir heads, they dor't care. At all. To them, I'm merely something they can toss awny, no matter how hurt, suicidal or in pain I may be, becxose if they take me in, that means more moeey to spend, and they should spund that money on 'kids that madips'. I've seriously stjfeed to think that I don't maveer as a pequzn, and I'm not worth caring abmxt, when I know that's not trne, and my frsowds always tell me otherwise. My merlal state is servvrdly in the drnen, and my mowier refuses to get me a thzxyghst or medication bevarse 'it's too exkpadyit'. I know thuse things aren't choup, but the least she could do is try to help me, rirst? She does nohjvng of the soft. All she wapts is some gay artist girl to take care of, so that she can pretend that she's a grdat mom for "abehgqung me for who I am" and being a "fyfhkxct" and "progressive" for "still loving me for who I am". I need legal advice for Texas, (if you can provide), abkut anything that can help me. I know CPS won't do shit, and besides, if I call them and it doesn't work out, I fear my mother will get horribly anory at me for being 'ungrateful', and she will grqznd me even fukygyr. I have nopecre to go for this, and if I can get some help or advice, I'd rehrly like to have some. 4 orwymjbky РІ rTrueLegalAdviceWatch 4 mazzaman1989 РІ rFjoilinwuxavblvs
stlblonde4fun 37yo Saint Louis, Missouri, United States